I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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