I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
