As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
