Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
