he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
