She went from zero to smokin in five shots
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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