I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
