I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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