So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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