how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
