So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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