If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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