I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I am one with the molecules
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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