My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I checked into jail on foursquare
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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