Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
