new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
