my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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