apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
