he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
