Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Randomize
