my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
