OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
