When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
