need another drink. this is the easiest way
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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