Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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