the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
