soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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