Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
