i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
