You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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