i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
it was like eating out sand paper
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
