Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
