I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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