i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
