just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
