You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
