Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
