mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Houston, we have a blender
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
