I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
