i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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