All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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