I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
