tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
