and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
