My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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