My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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