know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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