Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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