I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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