Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
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