The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
