What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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